It was the first entry in the diary I started when my marriage was dying. The list went on and on until I found names for everything I was fed up with.
The second list followed the first, and it was a ‘List of things I am going to miss’. It was much harder to make. It made me realize I was losing things I thought I needed back then, like the assurance I was in a (shitty, but still) relationship. I was terrified of being alone.
I called my diary a recovery book
It accompanied me in really difficult moments. It’s a dossier of my gigantic (yes, I really feel it was that huge), extremely hard work on myself.
But what is it about writing that so many people from psychologists to other divorced people recommend it as an effective tool? Why writing?
- Why writing, actually?
- How to do it to achieve the best results
- One way the diary is superior to any human being
How writing helps with getting over your ex?
Thoughts are like persistent flies. They buzz in your head and you shake them off but they keep coming back. They move around chaotically, and after awhile, the irritating buzz drives you crazy.
Writing calms the chaos down
It lets you to see a thought much more clearly than when you just ‘think it’. These very short seconds before you write a thought down, let your brain make sure you’re saying what you actually want to say.
It will not make you avoid the chaos in your writing entirely. Of course there will be some. But there will be much less than if you just keep it in your head like buzzing flies.
When thoughts are kept in your head, they stir things up
The ‘flies’ in our heads do one more thing. If you’re like me, you’re familiar with this ‘try to figure it out’ mode. You keep thinking and hours later you’re in the same place, exhausted. The buzzing is louder than before and it drives your crazy.
This doesn’t really happen when we write. There is a reason, for which we can’t write endlessly, even if we have plenty to say.
Writing is like lifting a lid on a boiling water pot – the steam gets out and the pressure goes down. When thoughts are locked in our heads, the pressure has nowhere to go so it blows us apart.
Of course, the pressure can come back the next day. Writing is not a one-time trick. It’s more a regular way to release the tension.
How to do it to achieve best results
Land of freedom
The recovery book is just for you, so don’t dress it up. Call out names, use exclamations and dirty words if you want. You can be childish or petty. It’s all fine, because you make a deal with yourself for zero judgment of your writing. You feel what you feel and the last thing you’re obliged to do is be polite. You can be everything here.
It’s the only place, where you can be 100% yourself.
No ‘musts’. No ‘must nots’.
You and you alone
It’s absolutely essential to write about yourself only. In your recovery book it’s only about you. Not about the Ex or what he said or did. It’s about YOU and you alone!
So even if your Ex did something, write about your feelings regarding the situation. What does it remind you of? Have you ever felt this way before in your life? Let all the real life situations be starting points to think about yourself and your feelings.
But why do I have to write on and on about these emotions?
Because you start revealing patterns in your life.
Because you learn to name them and start seeing how it makes you react.
Because you can discover where they come from. Like, for example, when your Ex is not taking seriously what you’re saying and it drives you mad. Suddenly you realize that’s what your parents did and that the feeling of being not taken seriously is exactly the same. This ‘discovery’ shows you what’s behind today’s reactions.
And finally, because the more you know about yourself, the more you can change your life. It’s hard to change if you don’t understand the mechanism.
So write about emotions, describe them, compare, overreact, talk to them as if they were independent creatures, write down your dreams and fears…
Write and LEARN yourself.
Getting to know what’s really in your head
Putting thoughts on paper is one thing. Reading them back is another. Whether you read them the next day or in a month–reading is always some kind of insight into your soul. As the distance between the time you write and the time you read grows, you’ll see certain things with a fresh perspective.
Paper is unbeatable
I think writing on a paper gives much better results than writing electronically.
When writing with a pen or pencil you put energy into your hand, into the shape and size of the letters, and you apply different pressure… It all matters when it comes to expressing ourselves.
Typing on a computer or smartphone, is energetically ’empty’.
But above all, writing with you hand, you can do like this:
One way the diary is superior to any human being
It’s midnight and you can’t sleep. The buzzing is in your head again. You wish you could call someone, but it’s late. Besides, you already spoke with your friends today… How much can you bother people anyway?
There’s one way in which a diary is superior to any human being.
And it’s availability.
It really counts when you go through your ’emotional tornado’ and the feelings whirl inside. It’s not easy to cope with this intensity and the extremes that go along with it.
The emotional tornado dominates your thoughts and you need to talk about it endlessly, in all possible ways. And then again from the start.
Let’s be honest. Is there a human being on this planet who’s patient enough to listen to the litany of complaints, cries and insults, everyday?
Even the best friend ever has a right to be fed up after some time!
But the recovery book is there – ready and patient. For you.
So what’s the next step?
Start with making the two lists:
- A list of things you do not want in your life anymore.
Write down the things referring to your ex relationship and life in general. Everything you hate; everything you’re fed up with.
- A list of things you’re going to miss (with regard to your ex relationship).
I hope you receive priceless insights!
How are you today anyway?
I hope you’re great. But in case you’re not, sign up and make TODAY the best day ever since you broke up!