How to say goodbye forever?

Do you remember the movie ‘Alien’ by Ridley Scott? In the infamous chest-busting scene the Alien rips itself out of a man impregnated with the parasite.

Let go of emotional Alien in you.gif

Not a nice view, is it? Now, it might be less dramatic in our case, but if we let the Alien of grief grow inside ourselves, it will find a nice, dark place to nest and dry out our vital juices.

That’s why we need to cut it out.

But instead of using a scalpel, grab pen and paper and extricate the grief with the power of therapeutic letters.

  1. How do the therapeutic letters work and why?
  2. To whom do you write?
  3. How to do it and what to avoid

How do therapeutic letters work, and why?

In a nutshell, the emotions we feel during the process of writing are real. If we cry because we must say goodbye to something, the farewell is real. Even though we are ‘just writing’, the feelings are real.

Therefore, the symbolic act of saying goodbye has a real impact on our lives; it feels real and it is real.

Sometimes a symbolic act of farewell is the only way we can express what we carry inside. Sometimes a goodbye is no longer possible.

symbolic.jpg

Or, closer to home, we don’t want a face-to-face confrontation with the person who hurt us. It wouldn’t end well, and we know it.

Therapeutic letters help end relations that weren’t closed properly. They let us say things we never would have otherwise–because of stress, fear of dropping our guard, distrust, or simply good manners.

Therapeutic letters are our most intimate creations. Filled with secrets, regrets, guilt, blame and even a few F-bombs or other curse words if that’s your style and it feels right.

Our human nature drives us to reach closure. We need to experience closure to prevent the situation or relationship from draining our energy.

Without closure, a parasite settles in. Goodbyes are always hard, but avoiding closure is like feeding the Alien.

Do not feed the Alien!

Do not feed the alien of grief (2).jpg

The power of these letters is as great as a sincere confrontation

Only it’s much safer. And constructive.

To whom should you write therapeutic letters?

Most often–to another person:

  • Ex
  • dead father
  • mother, who you don’t want to discuss something with; or for many other reasons
  • people who bullied you in the past, and so on.

But you may also write to your emotions:

  • anger that is raging in you
  • grief that absorbs everything
  • depression that cuts you off from life
  • fear that restrains you
  • or any other emotion.

As you write, think about the emotion as if it was a separate being. Like an Alien.

This creature does something to you–most probably hurts you, but perhaps also helps you in some way at the same time.

Such personification of an emotion makes it easier to address, to get angry at it and to say goodbye.

Last but not least, you can write to different parts of yourself:

  • you from the past, for example, to support yourself when you were a small child
  • to the part of yourself who gives up easily
  • to the part of yourself who doesn’t want to let go off the past

You know each part of yourself very well. You know your motives and what is behind them. You know whether part of you is driven by fear, guilt or something else.

Try to awaken a decent dose of understanding of yourself. In every part of who you are there is a little you, scared and unsupported. Cuddle this little child before you say goodbye.

But what if you hesitate?

We don’t always know when we get impregnated with our Aliens. Sometimes we co-exist with them for decades. No wonder saying goodbye to a long-time companion encounters resistance. Maybe it’s an Alien, but it’s almost like a part of you by now!

And that’s okay.

We need to ripen up for goodbyes. Sometimes we have no energy available for such a big step. So as I always say–take all the time you need. But do not wait longer than you really need. Do not procrastinate away your life.

No hurry. Take ALL the time you need. But not a minute longer.jpg

How to do it and what to avoid?

The recipient will never receive a therapeutic letter. So don’t hold back. Remember, if cursing is your thing, now’s the perfect time to really let rip. And if it’s not, that’s okay too.

Write everything that comes to your mind, good and bad, thanks and blame, sentiments and regrets.

In order to do it the best way possible, choose a moment when you feel these emotions and thoughts are ready to come out. Like a pimple ready to pop (ugh!).

You may need to sleep on it for some time, to think about it and gather energy. Once ready, choose a moment to write, and ensure you have as much time as you might need. Even if you cry afterwards or feel exhausted.

Trust your intuition, let it lead the way. Write what comes to your mind and don’t edit too much.

When writing, find a place you can reflect on the thing you’re saying goodbye to:

  • what has this experience given you…
  • …and what taken away?
  • How has it changed you?
  • What is one good thing that came out from it?
  • What will you take away from it as part of your intrinsic wisdom?

Once the letter is ready, you may want to tear it up, burn it or flush it in the loo. Or keep it, of course.

But never ever send it out!

If you threw away everything into your letter, the recipient would literally have to be an enlightened person to stay unaffected. And if you send it out to hurt or provoke this person on purpose, then it doesn’t have much to do with a goodbye.

Difficult goodbyes take place in ourselves. Never in the spotlight.

And this last farewell has nothing to do with the real person. But it does have everything to do with what this person meant to you. So deal with your grief, your resentment and your anger.

Difficult goodbyes take place in ourselves. Never in the spotlight.

So what’s the next step now?

Learn more and read what makes writing so effective when it comes to breakups.

 

This article was originally published as a guest post of mine on A Conscious Rethink.


How are you today anyway?

I hope you’re great.

But in case you’re not, sign up and make TODAY the best day ever since you broke up!

Advertisements

An easy way to vent you haven’t tried yet

One of my cats is a bully.

It doesn’t happen too often, but sometimes when he’s frustrated or cannot get what he wants, he bullies the other cat.

Genghis chases the other cat, bites him a couple of times and then he’s back to his normal (a bit agitated but peaceful) self. I struggle with his behavior at times, but it doesn’t change the fact that Genghis reacts in the most natural way: tension -> bite -> relief.

Gengis1

But humans don’t bite.

Instead, we collect tensions.

What else can we do if we don’t even know what do we feel?

But to ‘bite’, we don’t need to know why. We don’t need analyzing. We need doing!

Our equivalent of biting might be drawing. Yes, drawing! It’s an activity as good as any other, but at least not an offense.

But adults do not draw…!

As children, we draw carefree. No one judges us. Quite the opposite – everyone loves what we draw. So we go on, not bothered by the fact that the man we drew was a stickman consisting of only a few circles and lines. Drawing is fun, it’s unbound joy and unhampered creativity.

image_free-kid-drawing-52

And then one day we stop forever.

Sean D’Souza’s theory says we stop drawing as children simply because we don’t see other adults doing it. And so we stop drawing as, let’s say, an eight-year-old.

Then, as an adult, we happen to draw something and, guess what, it looks like the drawing of an eight-year-old. What else could it be? But we conclude we have no ability to draw or that we are not talented.

Since we stopped practicing years ago, why on earth do we think we should be able to draw something more sophisticated than a child could create?

According to D’Souza’s theory, the main difference between us and the people we consider talented are the years and years of practicing!

The act of drawing is reserved for children (and artists). And when we go back to drawing as grown ups, this activity seems weird. Imagine, how would you feel having crayons and a sheet of paper in front of you? Awkward? Funny? After all, you’re not an eight-year-old…

But do we really have to be full time adults?

So you’re not an eight-year-old MOST of the time. But how about… sometimes? Why not try to benefit from what we had within reach during childhood: being creative, spontaneous and having fun? And to help yourself, by the way.

The only question is: WHAT FOR?

Why adults would draw at all?

Simply because sometimes we struggle with difficult moments in our lives. It’s hard enough to deal with a breakup itself along with everyday problems added into the mix. There’s not enough time for mindfulness. And even if there is, we don’t really know what to do with all the feelings.

In such cases, drawing fits into the scenario perfectly. You don’t need to know anything: either what you feel, or what to do with it.

Drawing is an intuitive act, a process of creation. We choose certain colors because somehow they feel right. We draw a shape because it fits here or there. It’s an intuitive experience rather than one based on thinking.

And this ‘experiencing’ is an essence. When we’re drawing, we switch off the logical part of the brain and follow our feelings, because drawing is strongly associated with fun. And fun is connected with safety and spontaneity.

And we’re home. If we feel safe, it’s easier to open up and instinctively express our feelings.

drawing1

Suddenly, as the crayons move, emotions reveal themselves.
Navy blue uncovers your sorrow.
Bloody redness shouts its fury.
Colors and shapes express feelings you have no words for.

No words are needed.

Drawing opens doors to self-expression, even if we can’t name what we feel

And we act instinctively, like my cat Genghis. He expresses stress by biting. We can choose another way.

How to start drawing after so many years?

Stare at the white paper for a while. Look at the crayons. Which one gets your attention? The drawing may be abstract, or a portrait or slice of reality. Your first thought is always the best one.

Remember to take a break from being an adult!

Be an eight-year-old for a while; curious and wayward, a little kid who acts without thinking and loses himself in the activity.

‘Here, in the corner I need to add this black thing. I’m not sure what it is, exactly, but I feel muck there. It’s stupid and I hate it’ – an inner eight-year-old’s opinion

If you feel emptiness, take a break, wait and observe. Search inside, check to see if you want to add anything or if that is all you had to say.

After you’re finished, try to name feelings you experienced in order to learn a tiny bit more about yourself.

From a practical side – get a sketchbook and crayons. I like to use large paper because I don’t run out of space as I gain momentum.

And as for crayons, I recommend soft pastels. They’re in saturated colors and mix together beautifully.

So what’s the one thing you can do right now?

If you’re still thinking you can’t draw, take a look at some of my drawings. I can’t draw either, but hey, does it even matter?

In this case, art is in the eye of the creator! ;-P


Photos: Free Kid Drawing


By the way, have you signed up already?

When you do, you get a freebie: ‘Make today the best day ever since you broke up’. It’s a hands-on mini-guide. Change your mindset now!

How to face your EX (and avoid the usual traps)

We know one another so well. We know how to push each other’s buttons better than anyone does. Before you know it, you’re in the middle of the fight.

‘You’re such a !#$%&’
‘You always….’
‘You never…’

All these catches are like bait on a hook. And we get reeled in!

Literally.

Taylor Swift GIF-source.gif

What if we could recognize bait on the hook and avoid it?

So let’s learn about the usual traps and get ready to face your ex.

  1. When do we fight?
  2. How does the fight depend on us?
  3. Develop a strategy
  4. What if you take the bait?

Some time ago I worked in a factory as an engineer. In order to improve productivity, we ran regular audits to see if something could be improved on. So at first, we had to learn all the details about the audited part of the production process. We gathered data and information. Then we analyzed it. Basing on the analyses, we concluded what was possible to change, how the project could improve the capacity, and finally, how cost-effective that change would be. Then a decision was made. If we moved forward, an action plan was created and implemented.

And so now we need to do exactly the same thing with your Ex! But don’t worry, contrary to engineering, it’s going to be fun.

So our project is this: to stay relatively calm, get more things agreed upon and save your nerves.

In order to stay calm we need to learn what really pisses us off

Once we know it, we can recognize when it happens. And then, we can choose whether we want to go down the old path and get into fight again, or do we want to try something else instead.

When do we fight? Let’s gather some data

The data we need is the way you and your Ex behave. The good news is, after so many years in the relationship you’ve got it all in your head. All we need to do is structure it.

3 steps to face your ex

So how does the ex drive you mad?

Here’s how to do it. Take a pen and paper and make a list

List #1: ‘What pisses me off about my Ex‘.

Yes, it means to be long! And detailed! Write everything that s/he does, says, promises s/he would do but never does, does although promised s/he never would… get as much paper as you need and write it all down!

This task helps recognize the baits so next time you know when you’re being caught

Name it, write it, see it!

Let’s get a strategy ready

Now let’s get the strategy ready. Split the paper into two columns and write ‘What can help me remain calm’ on the left and ‘What can stop me from being calm’ on the right.

While you work on this lists, keep referring back to the list you made before. It will help you identify your weak points.

List #2: ‘What can stop me from being calm.

What are your triggers? What does s/he do that pisses you off superfast?

Examples of what can stop you from being calm:

  • counting on getting back together (no! end of story, schluss, basta, finito!)
  • trying to explain yourself, your feelings or anything else for that matter (I know this urge, but just…. don’t)
  • believing in everything what s/he says (especially about how happy s/he is now)
  • when ex points out your mistakes or treats you like an idiot

Think… how can you protect yourself from these things? What would make them stop working?

Tip: embrace that you two are turning into strangers now. It makes things easier.

Additionally, think: In an alternative reality, could your Ex be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t mind those things that piss you off?

In other words, which things are just your points of view?
Your points of view that piss you off, but not necessarily others?

Some things are just our expectations, so give up them up. You two are turning into strangers now, remember? Think of plan B regarding the children or money, express the anger in some healthy way and let the ex to be the jerk!

This exercise identifies your soft spots, in which you need to be extra careful

let the ex to be the jerk!

List #3: ‘What can help me to remain calm’

Let’s take examples of what can help you:

  • referring to facts only. Less is more in this case. So cut the talking and stick to what you need to agree on. Kids, money, the house, the divorce papers
  • cutting the conversation off when your Ex says things that annoy you. Do it simply by not answering, or even ignoring his/her comments (it feels like an itch you can’t scratch)
  • leaving the situation physically when you can’t deal with it anymore. Go to the toilet. Use this time to calm down, but also to notice that you are actually doing things differently right now
  • remember he’s a stranger now

This exercise arms you in advance with helpful tricks

Whoo… Armed with such know-how, you know the baits, you’ve got the catches in black-and-white. And this knowledge gives you a chance to do things differently next time.

But it doesn’t mean everything will go smoothly, right?

So what if you take the bait?

Stay real.

There’s no chance you will change all your habits overnight. But if you change one thing during a single conversation with your Ex, you may consider yourself successful. Over the course of a few meetings, you will spot the difference.

But what if you don’t make it and you two get into a fight again?

Track the weak point.

Replay what happened. Were you angry before, or was it just one thing s/he said that drove you mad? Name the things that annoyed you. Ask yourself about your part in this situation. What can help you to stay calm next time?

The bottom line is that it’s a process of learning how to be more confident and prepared each time. Like the little fish that can tell which chunky worm is a bait and then just swim away.

The change in you may change your relations from emotional to something more tangible. It’s not about being friends; rather, it’s about being able to agree on basic things without having to fight.

So stay vigilant. And be a smart fish.

baitor no bait_

So what’s the one thing you can do today?

Even if you have no time to do all this analyzing, think in advance of strategies that can help you! Get yourself ready!

Good luck!


Oh, and one more thing

What if TODAY was the best day ever since your breakup? Check it out here.

How do you heal from trauma (PTSD) after your breakup

When I googled ‘involuntary shaking’ I only got results of medical conditions. That’s exactly how we see things we have no control over. We need to cure it, suppress it with meds and supplemental vitamins.

Meanwhile, shaking is a protective mechanism

Whether we want it or not, shaking sneaks into our controlled lives. Voices tremble, chins shake. We shake during moments of shock, trauma or severe stress: when we need to speak publicly, when we learn about our best friend’s death, after giving the birth.

But it’s not just us. All mammals have this mechanism built in. We can spot our pets shaking when they’re stressed; for example, dogs during a thunderstorm. Wild animals tremble after being attacked by a predator or… by a human, for that matter:

The shaking mechanism allows animals to literally shake off the stress. Perhaps we consider ourselves superior over animals, but today, let’s check to see what can we learn from them for a change.

  1. In order to deal with something, we need to know how it works. So what happens when we experience severe stress?
  2. A ‘how to’ guide for getting an instant relief
  3. A first-hand story of TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises)

What happens when we experience severe stress?

(based on Peter A. Levine’s ‘Walking the Tiger’ and ‘In an Unspoken Voice’)

When stress is extreme, our brain qualifies it as life-threatening. A massive amount of energy is being released and a ‘fight or run’ mode turns on. However, when neither fighting nor running is possible, a natural reaction of freezing kicks in.

It’s nothing more than a survival mode, an old ‘play dead’ trick. It has developed to either fool the predator or to numb our last moments if we were attacked and killed. The huge amount of energy released before freezes inside us and we turn to stone, or feel like watching the situation from outside the body.

When the stressful situation is over, this enormous energy stays in the body, unreleased. Animals let it out through uncontrolled muscle trembling, children might add screaming and crying. But adults are afraid of uncontrolled reactions.

We try to suppress them with tablets or stimulants. And so the energy stays in our bodies for years causing somatic conditions. It can also come out when we least expect it in moments of sudden violence or PTSD.

According to Dr Levine, the issue is not precipitated only by the trauma caused by an extreme situation, but rather, the unreleased energy created by the trauma.

TRaUMA info

And, just to be clear, yes, I am positive that a divorce or a breakup can be a traumatic experience. It’s a life change that disrupts our lives. It’s an earthquake that brings down everything we’ve built.

We need to release this huge, pent-up energy. And we can do it with the help of the TRE method (Trauma Releasing Exercises).

TRAUMA

TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises): how to get an instant relief

One of reasons I recommend TRE is that you don’t need to recollect the traumatic experience. The memory is in our muscles. That distinguishes TRE from other therapies in which you need to go back to painful moments, re-live them, and express emotions (i.e. protest, shout or cry). Such re-living of experience is of great worth, but it is often combined with fear and resistance. It takes rather long to overcome the resistance and get ready for the re-living moment.

Meanwhile, when we shake, all toxic energy leaves ‘by itself’!

Another reason is that this method is available right away, for everyone, free of charge. You can do one session, you can do it everyday for some time, or for your entire life. It depends on you.

If it is your first experience with shaking, give yourself some ‘margin of error’. The first time hardly anything may happen. It is hard to let go of the control. So try at least a few times.

Now, to the point. The movie link below introduces TRE. The second one shows a step-by-step instruction:

Here’s a certain brave mum, who has a reason to be stressed all the time, demonstrating step-by-step instructions:

 

How did I shake. A first-hand story of TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises)

My first try was about five years ago and it didn’t work at all… I laid on the floor waiting for the big shake to come and nothing! I read about such great results but I just laid there like a doormat.

Today I know that the warming up exercises are essential–they tire your muscles and make the shaking so much easier to start (initially, I followed a bit different method without the exercises).

Then, I went to a body therapy workshop. I shook a bit there, but just couldn’t let the control go. Back at home I tried again and then the real shake started…

I remember one very long and intensive session. When I was shaking, suddenly I recalled an incident from my childhood when I was judged unfairly. Why did this memory come out, I have no idea. But I felt all this tension shaking out of my body; everything that made me angry and hurt back then… all this was coming out through this bizarre trembling… Weird and yet so… right…

Most often though, I shiver with an empty mind. I drift away while my body trembles in weird movements and spasms.

And later, peace of mind comes… and this pampering sense of security wraps you up like a blanket…

Which I wish for you, too!

So what’s the one thing you can do today?

Release all that stress that has built up in you–just SHAKE IT OFF! It is weird, but works miracles 🙂 Go on, try!

you are lovely


Oh, and one more thing

Check how to make TODAY the best day ever since you broke up!

 

 

What do you do when your life is in ruins?

I remember well one of the worst days in my life.

I was crawling in the middle of the pitch black tunnel I found myself in after my divorce. I had seen some light at the end of the tunnel before, but not on that day. On that day it was all black.

I was dating a guy for a while but it turned out to be a disaster. I was convinced I was hopeless, faulty and should really give up all my hopes for a normal life, whatever that meant.

I remember myself laying on the kitchen floor, crying, thinking nothing good in life would ever happen to me. I wanted to die in that very moment.

But I didn’t. Misery is not fatal.

Instead, I wrote my life Manifesto.

Manifesto

For me the Manifesto was my proclamation. It was my truth

And episode of a total breakdown like the one above has never happened to me since. The Manifesto helped me tremendously to embrace my weaknesses. To accept life with all its hardship. And I guess to recognize I was just a human.

The words, written straight from my heart, released a huge amount of energy. And the energy created the world around me. For example, for many years I’d had this need to prove I was enough. Enough to be loved, respected, desirable, and so on. When writing the Manifesto, I comprehended I could endlessly chase a non-existing ideal, or to embrace all I was. And I decided ‘enough’ was there and then.

Writing the Manifesto calmed down the storm of fear and let me to move on with my life.

So if you going through a nightmare after your divorce, feeling insecure, somehow ‘not right’ and your self-esteem is down… you might at least consider creating your own Manifesto. It might be a significant step on your way to a better life.

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.jpg

But what is a Manifesto really?

Creating a Manifesto makes sense when our lives change. Old values are not valid anymore. New ones are being formed slowly, often unnoticed.

We know things are changing, but the changes are not named yet. Finding precise names for our core values brings them into existence. It makes us aware of them, and therefore–we come to respect them. By our own choice.

If we’re mindful during the process, there is bunch of energy released. The feeling of being in harmony with yourself brings great amounts of peace and reconciling.

So the Manifesto is an announcement, a proclamation, an appeal–regarding crucial things in your life. A solemn and ceremonial list of rules and values.

For whom do you write? The audience is tiny, yet the most important ever–yourself.

How to write your Manifesto:

These are YOUR rules, relating to YOUR life, chosen by YOU.

1. Which rules you write are up to you
Write as many or as few of them as you want–one, three, ten? What matters is what they mean to you.

2. It’s flexible
You can change and update the rules as you change, or your life does.
It’s not a life sentence. NOW is the only reference point.

3. Let it ripen
Let the Manifesto take as long as it needs to create itself; 3 months or 5 minutes is equally good.

4. Stay real
Write rules you’ve already started to follow (even if only in your mind) to avoid making an abstract ‘wish list’. It’s better to quit adding something than to get frustrated you’re not following your own rules.

5. Once again – You
Your manifesto is an announcement of the principles that are important for YOU; and you announce it to YOURSELF only. And then, it’s YOU who follows it.

When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.

My Manifesto

A beautiful day it was, when I wrote it. An important one. I wish you moments like this on your way to recovery as well!

My Manifesto:

  1. I am and that’s enough.
  2. My life is an adventure, a journey.
  3. I don’t need to make monumental things in life. I am happy living an ‘ordinary’ life. MY LIFE.
  4. What is important are the things inside me. I don’t need to prove anything.
  5. I can change my mind, be uncertain or not know.
  6. I can make mistakes and it’s okay.
  7. I create my rules in my life – according to what is good for me. I verify them on an ongoing basis.
  8. I don’t take life for granted. Nothing lasts forever. Life fluctuates.
  9. I trust in myself, in God and in common sense, which allows me to peacefully deal with most of the situations (‘it will be fine’ attitude).
  10. I know I can reach out for help whenever I need it. I can ask, receive and take things I need.

What are we without values, without rules we follow because we choose to follow them? What are we if we are not loyal to what we feel is right?

Empty shells, perhaps?

So what’s the one thing to do now?

Change your mindset for a happier one! Check here how to feel better!

How a diary keeps you from going mad

It was the first entry in the diary I started when my marriage was dying. The list went on and on until I found names for everything I was fed up with.

The second list followed the first, and it was a ‘List of things I am going to miss’. It was much harder to make. It made me realize I was losing things I thought I needed back then, like the assurance I was in a (shitty, but still) relationship. I was terrified of being alone.

I called my diary a recovery book

kinga-cichewicz-594504-unsplash1

It accompanied me in really difficult moments. It’s a dossier of my gigantic (yes, I really feel it was that huge), extremely hard work on myself.

But what is it about writing that so many people from psychologists to other divorced people recommend it as an effective tool? Why writing?

  1. Why writing, actually?
  2. How to do it to achieve the best results
  3. One way the diary is superior to any human being

How writing helps with getting over your ex?

Thoughts are like persistent flies. They buzz in your head and you shake them off but they keep coming back. They move around chaotically, and after awhile, the irritating buzz drives you crazy.

Writing calms the chaos down

It lets you to see a thought much more clearly than when you just ‘think it’. These very short seconds before you write a thought down, let your brain make sure you’re saying what you actually want to say.

It will not make you avoid the chaos in your writing entirely. Of course there will be some. But there will be much less than if you just keep it in your head like buzzing flies.

When thoughts are kept in your head, they stir things up

The ‘flies’ in our heads do one more thing. If you’re like me, you’re familiar with this ‘try to figure it out’ mode. You keep thinking and hours later you’re in the same place, exhausted. The buzzing is louder than before and it drives your crazy.

Thoughts are like persistent flies

This doesn’t really happen when we write. There is a reason, for which we can’t write endlessly, even if we have plenty to say.

Writing is like lifting a lid on a boiling water pot – the steam gets out and the pressure goes down. When thoughts are locked in our heads, the pressure has nowhere to go so it blows us apart.

Of course, the pressure can come back the next day. Writing is not a one-time trick. It’s more a regular way to release the tension.

How to do it to achieve best results

Land of freedom

The recovery book is just for you, so don’t dress it up. Call out names, use exclamations and dirty words if you want. You can be childish or petty. It’s all fine, because you make a deal with yourself for zero judgment of your writing. You feel what you feel and the last thing you’re obliged to do is be polite. You can be everything here.

It’s the only place, where you can be 100% yourself.
No ‘musts’. No ‘must nots’.

kinga-cichewicz-544949-unsplash1

You and you alone

It’s absolutely essential to write about yourself only. In your recovery book it’s only about you. Not about the Ex or what he said or did. It’s about YOU and you alone!

So even if your Ex did something, write about your feelings regarding the situation. What does it remind you of? Have you ever felt this way before in your life? Let all the real life situations be starting points to think about yourself and your feelings.

But why do I have to write on and on about these emotions?

Because you start revealing patterns in your life.

Because you learn to name them and start seeing how it makes you react.

Because you can discover where they come from. Like, for example, when your Ex is not taking seriously what you’re saying and it drives you mad. Suddenly you realize that’s what your parents did and that the feeling of being not taken seriously is exactly the same. This ‘discovery’ shows you what’s behind today’s reactions.

And finally, because the more you know about yourself, the more you can change your life. It’s hard to change if you don’t understand the mechanism.

So write about emotions, describe them, compare, overreact, talk to them as if they were independent creatures, write down your dreams and fears…

Write and LEARN yourself.

Write and learn yourself

Getting to know what’s really in your head

Putting thoughts on paper is one thing. Reading them back is another. Whether you read them the next day or in a month–reading is always some kind of insight into your soul. As the distance between the time you write and the time you read grows, you’ll see certain things with a fresh perspective.

Paper is unbeatable

I think writing on a paper gives much better results than writing electronically.

When writing with a pen or pencil you put energy into your hand, into the shape and size of the letters, and you apply different pressure… It all matters when it comes to expressing ourselves.

Typing on a computer or smartphone, is energetically ’empty’.

But above all, writing with you hand, you can do like this:
writing to express

One way the diary is superior to any human being

It’s midnight and you can’t sleep. The buzzing is in your head again. You wish you could call someone, but it’s late. Besides, you already spoke with your friends today… How much can you bother people anyway?

There’s one way in which a diary is superior to any human being.

And it’s availability.

It really counts when you go through your ’emotional tornado’ and the feelings whirl inside. It’s not easy to cope with this intensity and the extremes that go along with it.

The emotional tornado dominates your thoughts and you need to talk about it endlessly, in all possible ways. And then again from the start.

Let’s be honest. Is there a human being on this planet who’s patient enough to listen to the litany of complaints, cries and insults, everyday?

Even the best friend ever has a right to be fed up after some time!

But the recovery book is there – ready and patient. For you.

So what’s the next step?

Start with making the two lists:

  1. A list of things you do not want in your life anymore.
    Write down the things referring to your ex relationship and life in general. Everything you hate; everything you’re fed up with.
  2. A list of things you’re going to miss (with regard to your ex relationship).

I hope you receive priceless insights!


How are you today anyway?

I hope you’re great. But in case you’re not, sign up and make TODAY the best day ever since you broke up!

 

One Joy a Day

‘Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace.’
(Serenity Prayer; Wikipedia)

The are few facts you need to accept when trying to get over your ex:

  • you’re in exceptionally hard moment in your life
  • it’s absolutely normal you feel the worst ever
  • today (and a few tomorrows) will totally suck
  • for a while it’s NOT going to be better. It will in some time. But not now.

One Fun Thing a Day

When I was crawling through my black hole after my divorce, I got a homework assignment from my therapist. She told me to do one nice thing for myself everyday. When I started to practice this simple method, some kind of balance came back into my life.

Sure, I was still miserable. But at the same time, there was time not only for tears, but also FOR ME. I could take a break from the pain. I could divert my thoughts on what was good for me, instead of being focused on despair all the time.

In the middle of misery, it’s hard to remember about taking care of yourself properly. Grief is overwhelming, we kind of sink in all this sadness. And a One Joy a Day let us bring some balance into our lives.

If you’re sinking in the swam of agony, the One Joy a Day lets you take a breath.

One breath, that’s all you need to today.

You’re hurt, so be nice to yourself. If not now, then when?!

One Joy a Day is not about big things. One the contrary, do the smallest treats. The secret to it is to do it regularly. As a rule, doing small and frequent things is more efficient than doing something big, on an infrequent basis.

One Joy a Day is about being KIND to yourself, about doing things you like, it’s about pleasure. And please don’t tell me nothing makes you happy because if you like a bubble bath, you like a bubble bath with a broken heart as well.

if you like a bubble bath, you like a bubble bath with a broken heart as well1

One day I made myself a hot cup of delicious, real cocoa and sipped it loudly with eyes closed; beamed down to a cocoa paradise. Another day I sat on the terrace enjoying the sun on my face and simply doing nothing. As you see, nothing fancy.

But small things make huge difference.

So now it’s your turn. Do one nice thing for yourself a day. Do it just like you would have given a nice surprise to someone you’re in love with.

Even with a broken heart you can catch little moments of joy

little moments of joy1

One Joy a Day in getting over your ex

Prepare a list of 5-10 fun things beforehand. This way, you skip getting stuck due to having zero ideas.
Below are few inspirations. Choose some and adapt them for yourself:

  • Read a book that was special to you when you were a kid
  • Prepare yourself a tasting. What do you like? Fruits, bakery, wine, chocolate, cheese? Get a few different kinds of food. Eat slowly and taste carefully.
  • Make homemade ice cream. Two ingredients, one blender. It can’t be any easier:

By the way, you have another Fun Thing ready for tomorrow, because someone has to eat it!

  • On your day off, sleep as long as you can. And then some more.
  • Go some place nice to see a sunset or sunrise. Quietly watch the show. The sun, indifferent to our worries comes up and goes down every day. Sometimes, we experience our private ‘end of the world’. And the sun always continues its way, unconcerned. Consider how many heartbroken people it shines above right now.
  • Bubble bath in candlelight. Always!
  • Homemade SPA – treat your body to a peeling and some oil. Be mindful when you touch your body. Feel your skin, feel how strong your body is. Touch your arms, feel it’s quite a nice body after all 🙂
  • Get a massage.
  • One of my favorites: scratching your back with a long handle bath brush, prrrr….
  • Sing when you shower or drive. LOUD. Go for it and add some drama:
  • Go out and do something different from your everyday scheme:
    • Go to the theater, opera, any other show
    • Go to a concert that is different from your usual musical choices
    • Go to a church (different the one you belong to) and listen to the sermon. You might be surprised how much refers to your life
    • Attend a lecture about something new
  • Volunteer
  • Say ‘Yes’ to an interesting proposal in your life
  • Popcorn and movie in the best company–yours!
  • Go for a long walk
  • Go for a short walk (fresh air always boosts your mood)
  • Spend some time in nature
  • Take a nap
  • Get a new hairstyle
  • Buy a new outfit
  • Go out and have some fun with friends
  • Get yourself a bunch of flowers
  • Cook dinner for yourself
  • Make yourself a meal like in the best restaurant: tablecloth, white serviette, wine glass even if you only drink water, candlelight, gentle music…
  • Sit down and do nothing for half an hour. Listen to some music, or contemplate the silence. No responsibilities. Just relax.
  • Practice daydreaming
  • Dance by yourself
  • Dance naked by yourself
  • Play with a pet: yours, a friend’s or from a shelter
  • Mail yourself a letter; write supportive, warm and caring words
  • SPOIL YOURSELF as if you were the dearest person in the whole world.
    If not now, when?!

Little joys are like a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day.

You were hurt1

So what’s the one thing you can start with now?

Choose one, just ONE small thing you can do to make you smile.

Do it today.
Do it tomorrow.
Do it for a week.
And get a bit happier!

Have fun!


Oh, and one more thing.

Sign up and get a freebie: ‘Make today the best day ever since you broke up’. It’s a hands-on mini-guide. So click here and change your mindset now!