Imagine you’re wearing a backpack. It’s heavy and it weighs almost as much as you do. Imagine you can’t take it of. You have tried, but nope, it seems to grown into your arms.
Having no other choice, you wear it all the time–at work, when you’re shopping, even when you’re out with your friends. No one seems to notice the backpack, but you can feel it sits on your arms, it pulls and pinches, your arms hurt, and your neck bends down… it hurts!
And that’s unforgiven hurt.
Months or years might pass; maybe you’ll get used to it. After all, you can get used to pain, right? Right?
Can you live with your hurt?
Well, it turns out you can. Many people do. That’s life, isn’t it?
But does that mean you should just accept that you were hurt?
Technically you could just ‘get over’ and ignore the pain, ignore the backpack on your arms. Sure you could. But…
What’s really risky about carrying around this backpack is that you start seeing the world through a prism of pain. Your hurt becomes an inner reference point.
A hurt person may not show it, but in fact is extremely sensitive inside. The sensitivity comes from the fear of being hurt and helpless again. It’s absolutely normal, come on, no one wants to suffer! No one is indifferent to pain brought by someone he loved!
This fear of being hurt again influences all the choices the person makes.
So even if you met the most incredible human being on earth, it would be very hard to trust him or her. Because it may hurt again, and for god’s sake, are you Job* from the Bible or something?
By Léon Bonnat – http://www.histoire-image.com, Public Domain, Link
*Job was ‘a good and prosperous family man who was beset by Satan with God’s permission with horrendous disasters that took away all that he holds dear, including his offspring, his health, and his property’ (by wikipedia).
So maybe it’s better not to put the guard down?
You’re gonna be lonely but safe.
Hold on. See how the hurt hits you in the first place? Not only it hurts, it takes away the ability to trust and leaves you in fear for another blow.
That’s why you need to act on it!
You need to act and let it go. Or kick it out, for that matter.
But was that so easy to let it go, you would have done it long ago
So how do you do that? Do you appeal to God’s mercy? Do you search for the compassion inside yourself? Or do you pray more?
None of this ever worked for me.
Before I tell you what really worked, let’s see what is forgiveness all about
Forgiving is an act inside yourself.
Forgiving means letting go, really letting go inside.
You know that you forgave when there’s nothing more than a memory. It doesn’t vanish, the past doesn’t get wiped out miraculously. But there is no more pain about what was done to you.
It doesn’t have much to do with the person who hurt you. This is something you do for yourself and yourself only. Unforgiven injustice hurts you most of all. You–not the person who did it to you. So if you want to get rid of that crappy baggage, do it for yourself.
Do you need to face the person who hurt you?
It’s not necessary to face the person. Often, it’s not even possible for a number of reasons.
You might simply not want to. Or he or she might have moved far away or even be deceased already. The hurt might be a story from a long, long time ago.
Having said so, it’s like this person was still with you, in your head, in your memories; so alive, so present… So forgiving is about letting go of this person in your head. Or, if you rather, kicking him or her off.
A ‘how to’ to forgiveness and letting go
How do you get rid of it?
If your hurt is your backpack, then you have to empty it slowly.
Take out whatever’s in. Look at it closely. Yes, it means crying and going back to hurtful moments.
Once it’s out–acknowledgeyour hurt. You need to recognize and admit you were hurt.
Acknowledging your hurt may feel like showing the weakness. And it is but it’s not.
You admit there was something you cared about, you admit your vulnerability, you uncover your soft spot.
You need to get in touch with the helpless part of yourself as vulnerable as a baby, because only then you can sincerely acknowledge:
- that you can’t get over because it hurts too much
- that it was unfair
- that you didn’t deserve it
- that it made a huge rift in your heart
- that it hurts so fucking much!
and then–cry about it genuinely. Hot tears wash off lots of the pain.
But you cried already and it didn’t help right?
Yeah, because it’s not enough
Acknowledging is one thing. It’s facing the truth.
But once it’s done, you need to get the hurt out from your system. That means getting it physically out of you.
In the old days, when people made different kind of rituals or symbolic acts, this would have been natural and intuitive. But these days we’ve lost contact with our intuition, with our inner self. But most of all, we’ve lost the trust into our feelings. And we’ve lost faith in the power of symbolic acts.
The power of symbolic acts still works as it used to.
And we need it back here.
The easiest way to get rid of your hurt is to give it a form and then destroy your creation. This way, first you throw all the pain into the object, as you’re creating it. Then, you say a goodbye by destroying the object.
What kind of form can you give to your hurt?
- Write a goodbye letter
Throw up (in writing) everything about your hurt. Don’t swallow it, get it all out! Once it’s ready, burn it or tear it up and flush in the toilet.
- Lock it up in a shape
Make a (small) monument made of your hurt. A piece by piece create the sculpture of pain. Once it dries, smash it with a hammer and bury it in your backyard
-throw it away, literally
- Throw it away
Go into some remote place and get some stones (potatoes are also good). Take one stone at a time, and mentally place a feeling in it. Just think what element of your hurt does it represent. Then throw it away as hard as you can. Shout every time you throw it away. Empty your mind and get to the next one.
- Shout it out
Scream all your pain out from your system, howl like wolves do or scream like if you were tortured (which is closer to the truth than you may think). A full ‘screaming guide’ is available here.
This way or another – GET IT OUT!
Go all the way and literally throw up with emotions: all the pain, anger, fear, grief, desperation, misery, distress… Everything!
It might be a symbolic act, but the destruction of your hurt, the goodbye–is real.
If you want to know more, read how it all works here.
And just to be straight about all that: life doesn’t always seem fair
Sometimes, something bad happens to whoever hurt you and we see how ‘karma’ works. They deserved it, right?
But sometimes we’re not so ‘lucky.’ The person who did it to you walks around happy and doesn’t care. He or she doesn’t even regret it! The bastard enjoys a perfect life and looks good in shorts.
Come on, that’s unfair!
Is it a one-time thing?
Sorry, but no.
Think how long have you been bearing this burden? How much pain have you been carrying?
Do you really expect it to go all at once?
Be ready that you might need to do it again. There’s a lot to be gotten rid of. It may go all at once, but don’t get inpatient if it doesn’t. It’s not you, it’s just the crap got stuck badly.
If it was easier to get some distance from this pain, perhaps we could see there’s a lot of sense in our experiences and that something good has a chance to grow through all the pain and misery. Perhaps you’ll actually become a better person. What a shame that a bit of wisdom costs so much pain…
Okay, but what is the one thing you may start with today?
What is that crappy hurt all about anyway?
- What is your hurt like?
- What are you unable to do because of it?
- How does it affect your life?
- What does it make you do?
- How does it make you feel?
- What would you compare it to? Is it like a heavy backpack or more like a monster that eats you from the inside?
Describe it. Do not leave it in your head; literally ‘take it out’ from your head and onto the paper.
Let your imagination run wild. Let your story be a tale or an engineer report. Compare your hurt to creatures, phenomenons, nature. Whatever comes to you. You may try to describe your hurt as if it was an external being that got ‘stuck’ to you.
What’s the point of doing that?
- It helps you see what is really bothering you and call things straightforward.
- You tame the fear to get any closer to that pain.
- It increases your self-awareness and sensitivity.
I wish you courage. I wish you a good emotional throw up. Get this shit out!
Oh, and one more thing.
What if TODAY was the best day ever since your breakup? Click to know more.