What if you’re not able to trust anymore?

Yes, there are lots of dickheads in this world; I’m not going to argue that.

But still… there are so many people who long for kindness, warmth, and closeness… So why to close yourself off from potential relationships?

The point is, to experience a kind, warm and close relationship, you need to open up again. You need to expose your ‘soft belly’. And then–yes!–you risk being hurt again. Again! But you can’t get emotional intimacy without letting your guard down.

It’s a bit of a vicious circle, a catch-22. To connect, you need to bare your soul. If you do that, someone may hurt you. It’s a risk. Unfortunately, you can’t do that in a perfectly safe way since relationships don’t come with money-back guarantees, or any type of guarantee for that matter.

It's a risk to love

For some time after my breakup I talked to other people a lot, both online and in real life. I was so very curious to know how people felt about divorcing. How did they cope? I was very surprised when I discovered how they longed for tenderness! And even more for someone dear!

Someone told me how he misses the warmth of a body next to him while he’s sleeping. Someone else said how scared she was now, and another person showed me his paintings. I realized how many people are desperate for the same thing I was.

They longed to trust, feel safe and accepted, and be special to someone.

All these soft feelings get hidden behind fear, insecurity, and bitterness after a breakup.

brain-versus-heart

We all feel it in such similar ways; human beings are so alike in how we miss love, acceptance and warmth. It’s not just you. There are hundred of thousands of people like you. And all of them are afraid.

To open up, you need to be ready. Ready to give some degree of trust, even if it’s just a little bit.

But first, you need to get stronger. Let yourself recover. Search for the support you need within yourself. Then learn to trust yourself and your judgement, and believe that you will know if a person is worth your time and feelings.

And then, even if you get it wrong, it won’t be the end of the world. Just another experience. No drama.

Experience is what you get

P.S. By the way, divorce is often like a trampoline; just one jump can take you to a much higher place–a greater life. I know it’s a cliche, but it’s the truth. Paradoxically, hitting rock bottom is quite a good start.

Hitting Rock bottomis quite a good

P.P.S. There are plenty of warm people around us. We might not see them, meet them, or believe them, though. It’s as if we live in parallel worlds, ships passing in the night. Maybe reaching out to them is not something you’d like to deal with today. That’s okay.
‘Clean up’ your heart first. Make some room. Take care of yourself.


So what’s the one thing you may start with now?

Start with switching your mindset for a happier one. Simple, fast and it works. Oh, and it’s free. Check a ‘how to’ here.

Advertisements

How to say goodbye forever?

Do you remember the movie ‘Alien’ by Ridley Scott? In the infamous chest-busting scene the Alien rips itself out of a man impregnated with the parasite.

Let go of emotional Alien in you.gif

Not a nice view, is it? Now, it might be less dramatic in our case, but if we let the Alien of grief grow inside ourselves, it will find a nice, dark place to nest and dry out our vital juices.

That’s why we need to cut it out.

But instead of using a scalpel, grab pen and paper and extricate the grief with the power of therapeutic letters.

  1. How do the therapeutic letters work and why?
  2. To whom do you write?
  3. How to do it and what to avoid

How do therapeutic letters work, and why?

In a nutshell, the emotions we feel during the process of writing are real. If we cry because we must say goodbye to something, the farewell is real. Even though we are ‘just writing’, the feelings are real.

Therefore, the symbolic act of saying goodbye has a real impact on our lives; it feels real and it is real.

Sometimes a symbolic act of farewell is the only way we can express what we carry inside. Sometimes a goodbye is no longer possible.

symbolic.jpg

Or, closer to home, we don’t want a face-to-face confrontation with the person who hurt us. It wouldn’t end well, and we know it.

Therapeutic letters help end relations that weren’t closed properly. They let us say things we never would have otherwise–because of stress, fear of dropping our guard, distrust, or simply good manners.

Therapeutic letters are our most intimate creations. Filled with secrets, regrets, guilt, blame and even a few F-bombs or other curse words if that’s your style and it feels right.

Our human nature drives us to reach closure. We need to experience closure to prevent the situation or relationship from draining our energy.

Without closure, a parasite settles in. Goodbyes are always hard, but avoiding closure is like feeding the Alien.

Do not feed the Alien!

Do not feed the alien of grief (2).jpg

The power of these letters is as great as a sincere confrontation

Only it’s much safer. And constructive.

To whom should you write therapeutic letters?

Most often–to another person:

  • Ex
  • dead father
  • mother, who you don’t want to discuss something with; or for many other reasons
  • people who bullied you in the past, and so on.

But you may also write to your emotions:

  • anger that is raging in you
  • grief that absorbs everything
  • depression that cuts you off from life
  • fear that restrains you
  • or any other emotion.

As you write, think about the emotion as if it was a separate being. Like an Alien.

This creature does something to you–most probably hurts you, but perhaps also helps you in some way at the same time.

Such personification of an emotion makes it easier to address, to get angry at it and to say goodbye.

Last but not least, you can write to different parts of yourself:

  • you from the past, for example, to support yourself when you were a small child
  • to the part of yourself who gives up easily
  • to the part of yourself who doesn’t want to let go off the past

You know each part of yourself very well. You know your motives and what is behind them. You know whether part of you is driven by fear, guilt or something else.

Try to awaken a decent dose of understanding of yourself. In every part of who you are there is a little you, scared and unsupported. Cuddle this little child before you say goodbye.

But what if you hesitate?

We don’t always know when we get impregnated with our Aliens. Sometimes we co-exist with them for decades. No wonder saying goodbye to a long-time companion encounters resistance. Maybe it’s an Alien, but it’s almost like a part of you by now!

And that’s okay.

We need to ripen up for goodbyes. Sometimes we have no energy available for such a big step. So as I always say–take all the time you need. But do not wait longer than you really need. Do not procrastinate away your life.

No hurry. Take ALL the time you need. But not a minute longer.jpg

How to do it and what to avoid?

The recipient will never receive a therapeutic letter. So don’t hold back. Remember, if cursing is your thing, now’s the perfect time to really let rip. And if it’s not, that’s okay too.

Write everything that comes to your mind, good and bad, thanks and blame, sentiments and regrets.

In order to do it the best way possible, choose a moment when you feel these emotions and thoughts are ready to come out. Like a pimple ready to pop (ugh!).

You may need to sleep on it for some time, to think about it and gather energy. Once ready, choose a moment to write, and ensure you have as much time as you might need. Even if you cry afterwards or feel exhausted.

Trust your intuition, let it lead the way. Write what comes to your mind and don’t edit too much.

When writing, find a place you can reflect on the thing you’re saying goodbye to:

  • what has this experience given you…
  • …and what taken away?
  • How has it changed you?
  • What is one good thing that came out from it?
  • What will you take away from it as part of your intrinsic wisdom?

Once the letter is ready, you may want to tear it up, burn it or flush it in the loo. Or keep it, of course.

But never ever send it out!

If you threw away everything into your letter, the recipient would literally have to be an enlightened person to stay unaffected. And if you send it out to hurt or provoke this person on purpose, then it doesn’t have much to do with a goodbye.

Difficult goodbyes take place in ourselves. Never in the spotlight.

And this last farewell has nothing to do with the real person. But it does have everything to do with what this person meant to you. So deal with your grief, your resentment and your anger.

Difficult goodbyes take place in ourselves. Never in the spotlight.

So what’s the next step now?

Learn more and read what makes writing so effective when it comes to breakups.

 

This article was originally published as a guest post of mine on A Conscious Rethink.


How are you today anyway?

I hope you’re great.

But in case you’re not, sign up and make TODAY the best day ever since you broke up!

4 steps to heal the wounds after a breakup

When everything is over, you end up as wounded as if you’d been in a war zone. Except that no one can see it and only you know how much it all hurts.

Countless cuts. Unbearable pain.

And yet, a lot of people close their eyes and wait for the pain to vanish. How come?

What do we do with our broken hearts?

There’s a wound in your heart. It’s bleeding and hurts like hell. And what do we usually do? We try to function more or less normally. We cry a bit, put an ‘I’ll be fine’ face on and we go to work the next day.

But the wound is not healing right. It festers. It swells. It fills with pus and blood. It hurts, it hurts every day. Over time, it turns black or green and you can feel the rancid smell.

The smell of bitterness, fear, and cynicism.

Hold on.

What do you do when you cut your finger? You clean the wound, get a first aid kit, disinfect the cut and put a clean dressing on. Isn’t that right? If the cut is really deep, you might want to see a doctor. Pretty much common sense. Why don’t we do the same thing with our broken hearts?

Where’s our common sense when it comes to breakups?

What if we followed first-aid rules for all our post-divorce wounds? Let’s have a look at the ‘procedure’:

  1. Assess the wound
  2. Clean it and disinfect it
  3. Put a clean dressing on
  4. Repeat steps 1-3 until it heals nicely

Healing broken heart.png

Stage 1: have a look at your broken heart

At the beginning, pain overwhelms you and it cuts off your ability to think clearly. You’re all about emotions. But still, you need to have a look at your wound.

The cut is deep, all swollen and purple and red. It’s filled with blood and pus. It’s dirty and disgusting. Yikes!

What is your wound when it comes to your breakup? It’s all the emotions that whirl around inside you. Have a look inside. What emotions are there? Rage, misery, grief? Unspoken hurt? Feelings of hopelessness?

It’s not a pleasant view, but do not close your eyes. It’s alright, it’s not going to kill you to look and assess, even if you think it might.

In order to cope with all that, consider writing a diary. For one, the act of writing helps you confront difficult feelings and get them out. When we keep the thoughts only in our heads, they swirl around and mix together in new ways that end up confusing us. Writing allows you to hear yourself and see your point.

Secondly, putting the insufferable feelings on paper will bring you relief. When the pressure goes up, writing lets out some steam.

And the last thing–the paper is patient so you can do it literally everywhere, always. Even if it’s so often no human being, including the best friend ever, would have had the patience to listen to.

Stage 2: clean the wound and disinfect it

Oh yes, It’s gonna hurt like hell!

To clean the wound means to meet your pain and hurt head-on; admit that life feels unfair and sometimes we can’t help it. It makes you want to howl.

So howl. Seriously.

‘Disinfection’ stands for a specific activity. It means to face the difficult emotions and to express them. Sometimes it’s going to be a long cry for hours on end. Other times – a fearful scream over everything that was done to you. On other occasion, you might want to close this stage of your life with a goodbye ritual inspired by old rites of passage.

Everything you do in order to deal with your pain, counts. Don’t put it off for some other day. The sooner you disinfect your wound, the sooner it will start to heal.

express

Stage 3: a clean dressing

The dressing you apply to the wound is your own self-care. It’s time for yourself. Slow down right now. Give up things that are not essential for your life. Consider this time a recovery, just as if you were recovering after a car accident, all bruised with both your legs broken.

Inevitably, some things need to wait. It’s about YOU right now.

So take care of yourself. What do you like? What do you like EXCEPT being in a relationship? It’s a good time to ask this question. Let yourself take everything in that you need right now.

Everyone knows time heals wounds. But time also lets the distance grow. And the distance, in turn, lets us approach things without excessive emotions. Sometimes things that seemed to be the worst ever turn into our favor. That’s actually quite common, but in most cases this can only be noticed from a certain perspective.

So embrace time. Accept that the process will last a while, and right now – it’s hard. It will be better one day, but simply not today, not yet. And while you’re recovering, use that time for your benefit.

copeandlope.com.jpg

Stage 4: Rinse and repeat

So what’s next?

The wound will start to heal, but you’ll need to change the dressing every now and then.

Let the steam out as it builds up.

Express difficult emotions on an ongoing basis.

Blow your anger off, cry out your grief, write misery out.

Do not let it settle in, as it will make you rot inside.

Slowly, the hurt will scab over and eventually a scar will start to form. It’s never going to be as it used to be; you will carry the scar all your life. It’s called experience. But you can live with it, we all have scars. That’s how we grow wiser.

I am strongbecause I've been weakI am fearlessbecause I've been afraidI am wisebecause I've been foolish

Seeking professional help

Perhaps your wound needs to be seen by a specialist. Therapy with a wise, warm therapist is always a good idea. But the process of healing depends on you, always on you. On your willingness to face what’s difficult, painful and hidden deep inside. No matter how good the therapist is, or how much you pay for the service, the job is yours to do. Don’t be afraid, you have the strength to take it all.

Oh yes, you do.

Even if you don’t know it yet.

You have the strength to take it all.jpg

What’s the one thing you can do today?

For one – embrace the fact you’re recovering, just as if you had a car accident. This approach helps us accept that sh*t happened to us this time. Car accidents happen, breakups happen.

Broken legs will grow back.

Broken hearts will love again.


Boost your mood NOW

Sign up and make TODAY the best day since your breakup! Check it out here.

An easy way to vent you haven’t tried yet

One of my cats is a bully.

It doesn’t happen too often, but sometimes when he’s frustrated or cannot get what he wants, he bullies the other cat.

Genghis chases the other cat, bites him a couple of times and then he’s back to his normal (a bit agitated but peaceful) self. I struggle with his behavior at times, but it doesn’t change the fact that Genghis reacts in the most natural way: tension -> bite -> relief.

Gengis1

But humans don’t bite.

Instead, we collect tensions.

What else can we do if we don’t even know what do we feel?

But to ‘bite’, we don’t need to know why. We don’t need analyzing. We need doing!

Our equivalent of biting might be drawing. Yes, drawing! It’s an activity as good as any other, but at least not an offense.

But adults do not draw…!

As children, we draw carefree. No one judges us. Quite the opposite – everyone loves what we draw. So we go on, not bothered by the fact that the man we drew was a stickman consisting of only a few circles and lines. Drawing is fun, it’s unbound joy and unhampered creativity.

image_free-kid-drawing-52

And then one day we stop forever.

Sean D’Souza’s theory says we stop drawing as children simply because we don’t see other adults doing it. And so we stop drawing as, let’s say, an eight-year-old.

Then, as an adult, we happen to draw something and, guess what, it looks like the drawing of an eight-year-old. What else could it be? But we conclude we have no ability to draw or that we are not talented.

Since we stopped practicing years ago, why on earth do we think we should be able to draw something more sophisticated than a child could create?

According to D’Souza’s theory, the main difference between us and the people we consider talented are the years and years of practicing!

The act of drawing is reserved for children (and artists). And when we go back to drawing as grown ups, this activity seems weird. Imagine, how would you feel having crayons and a sheet of paper in front of you? Awkward? Funny? After all, you’re not an eight-year-old…

But do we really have to be full time adults?

So you’re not an eight-year-old MOST of the time. But how about… sometimes? Why not try to benefit from what we had within reach during childhood: being creative, spontaneous and having fun? And to help yourself, by the way.

The only question is: WHAT FOR?

Why adults would draw at all?

Simply because sometimes we struggle with difficult moments in our lives. It’s hard enough to deal with a breakup itself along with everyday problems added into the mix. There’s not enough time for mindfulness. And even if there is, we don’t really know what to do with all the feelings.

In such cases, drawing fits into the scenario perfectly. You don’t need to know anything: either what you feel, or what to do with it.

Drawing is an intuitive act, a process of creation. We choose certain colors because somehow they feel right. We draw a shape because it fits here or there. It’s an intuitive experience rather than one based on thinking.

And this ‘experiencing’ is an essence. When we’re drawing, we switch off the logical part of the brain and follow our feelings, because drawing is strongly associated with fun. And fun is connected with safety and spontaneity.

And we’re home. If we feel safe, it’s easier to open up and instinctively express our feelings.

drawing1

Suddenly, as the crayons move, emotions reveal themselves.
Navy blue uncovers your sorrow.
Bloody redness shouts its fury.
Colors and shapes express feelings you have no words for.

No words are needed.

Drawing opens doors to self-expression, even if we can’t name what we feel

And we act instinctively, like my cat Genghis. He expresses stress by biting. We can choose another way.

How to start drawing after so many years?

Stare at the white paper for a while. Look at the crayons. Which one gets your attention? The drawing may be abstract, or a portrait or slice of reality. Your first thought is always the best one.

Remember to take a break from being an adult!

Be an eight-year-old for a while; curious and wayward, a little kid who acts without thinking and loses himself in the activity.

‘Here, in the corner I need to add this black thing. I’m not sure what it is, exactly, but I feel muck there. It’s stupid and I hate it’ – an inner eight-year-old’s opinion

If you feel emptiness, take a break, wait and observe. Search inside, check to see if you want to add anything or if that is all you had to say.

After you’re finished, try to name feelings you experienced in order to learn a tiny bit more about yourself.

From a practical side – get a sketchbook and crayons. I like to use large paper because I don’t run out of space as I gain momentum.

And as for crayons, I recommend soft pastels. They’re in saturated colors and mix together beautifully.

So what’s the one thing you can do right now?

If you’re still thinking you can’t draw, take a look at some of my drawings. I can’t draw either, but hey, does it even matter?

In this case, art is in the eye of the creator! ;-P


Photos: Free Kid Drawing


By the way, have you signed up already?

When you do, you get a freebie: ‘Make today the best day ever since you broke up’. It’s a hands-on mini-guide. Change your mindset now!

How to face your EX (and avoid the usual traps)

We know one another so well. We know how to push each other’s buttons better than anyone does. Before you know it, you’re in the middle of the fight.

‘You’re such a !#$%&’
‘You always….’
‘You never…’

All these catches are like bait on a hook. And we get reeled in!

Literally.

Taylor Swift GIF-source.gif

What if we could recognize bait on the hook and avoid it?

So let’s learn about the usual traps and get ready to face your ex.

  1. When do we fight?
  2. How does the fight depend on us?
  3. Develop a strategy
  4. What if you take the bait?

Some time ago I worked in a factory as an engineer. In order to improve productivity, we ran regular audits to see if something could be improved on. So at first, we had to learn all the details about the audited part of the production process. We gathered data and information. Then we analyzed it. Basing on the analyses, we concluded what was possible to change, how the project could improve the capacity, and finally, how cost-effective that change would be. Then a decision was made. If we moved forward, an action plan was created and implemented.

And so now we need to do exactly the same thing with your Ex! But don’t worry, contrary to engineering, it’s going to be fun.

So our project is this: to stay relatively calm, get more things agreed upon and save your nerves.

In order to stay calm we need to learn what really pisses us off

Once we know it, we can recognize when it happens. And then, we can choose whether we want to go down the old path and get into fight again, or do we want to try something else instead.

When do we fight? Let’s gather some data

The data we need is the way you and your Ex behave. The good news is, after so many years in the relationship you’ve got it all in your head. All we need to do is structure it.

3 steps to face your ex

So how does the ex drive you mad?

Here’s how to do it. Take a pen and paper and make a list

List #1: ‘What pisses me off about my Ex‘.

Yes, it means to be long! And detailed! Write everything that s/he does, says, promises s/he would do but never does, does although promised s/he never would… get as much paper as you need and write it all down!

This task helps recognize the baits so next time you know when you’re being caught

Name it, write it, see it!

Let’s get a strategy ready

Now let’s get the strategy ready. Split the paper into two columns and write ‘What can help me remain calm’ on the left and ‘What can stop me from being calm’ on the right.

While you work on this lists, keep referring back to the list you made before. It will help you identify your weak points.

List #2: ‘What can stop me from being calm.

What are your triggers? What does s/he do that pisses you off superfast?

Examples of what can stop you from being calm:

  • counting on getting back together (no! end of story, schluss, basta, finito!)
  • trying to explain yourself, your feelings or anything else for that matter (I know this urge, but just…. don’t)
  • believing in everything what s/he says (especially about how happy s/he is now)
  • when ex points out your mistakes or treats you like an idiot

Think… how can you protect yourself from these things? What would make them stop working?

Tip: embrace that you two are turning into strangers now. It makes things easier.

Additionally, think: In an alternative reality, could your Ex be in a relationship with someone who wouldn’t mind those things that piss you off?

In other words, which things are just your points of view?
Your points of view that piss you off, but not necessarily others?

Some things are just our expectations, so give up them up. You two are turning into strangers now, remember? Think of plan B regarding the children or money, express the anger in some healthy way and let the ex to be the jerk!

This exercise identifies your soft spots, in which you need to be extra careful

let the ex to be the jerk!

List #3: ‘What can help me to remain calm’

Let’s take examples of what can help you:

  • referring to facts only. Less is more in this case. So cut the talking and stick to what you need to agree on. Kids, money, the house, the divorce papers
  • cutting the conversation off when your Ex says things that annoy you. Do it simply by not answering, or even ignoring his/her comments (it feels like an itch you can’t scratch)
  • leaving the situation physically when you can’t deal with it anymore. Go to the toilet. Use this time to calm down, but also to notice that you are actually doing things differently right now
  • remember he’s a stranger now

This exercise arms you in advance with helpful tricks

Whoo… Armed with such know-how, you know the baits, you’ve got the catches in black-and-white. And this knowledge gives you a chance to do things differently next time.

But it doesn’t mean everything will go smoothly, right?

So what if you take the bait?

Stay real.

There’s no chance you will change all your habits overnight. But if you change one thing during a single conversation with your Ex, you may consider yourself successful. Over the course of a few meetings, you will spot the difference.

But what if you don’t make it and you two get into a fight again?

Track the weak point.

Replay what happened. Were you angry before, or was it just one thing s/he said that drove you mad? Name the things that annoyed you. Ask yourself about your part in this situation. What can help you to stay calm next time?

The bottom line is that it’s a process of learning how to be more confident and prepared each time. Like the little fish that can tell which chunky worm is a bait and then just swim away.

The change in you may change your relations from emotional to something more tangible. It’s not about being friends; rather, it’s about being able to agree on basic things without having to fight.

So stay vigilant. And be a smart fish.

baitor no bait_

So what’s the one thing you can do today?

Even if you have no time to do all this analyzing, think in advance of strategies that can help you! Get yourself ready!

Good luck!


Oh, and one more thing

What if TODAY was the best day ever since your breakup? Check it out here.

How do you heal from trauma (PTSD) after your breakup

When I googled ‘involuntary shaking’ I only got results of medical conditions. That’s exactly how we see things we have no control over. We need to cure it, suppress it with meds and supplemental vitamins.

Meanwhile, shaking is a protective mechanism

Whether we want it or not, shaking sneaks into our controlled lives. Voices tremble, chins shake. We shake during moments of shock, trauma or severe stress: when we need to speak publicly, when we learn about our best friend’s death, after giving the birth.

But it’s not just us. All mammals have this mechanism built in. We can spot our pets shaking when they’re stressed; for example, dogs during a thunderstorm. Wild animals tremble after being attacked by a predator or… by a human, for that matter:

The shaking mechanism allows animals to literally shake off the stress. Perhaps we consider ourselves superior over animals, but today, let’s check to see what can we learn from them for a change.

  1. In order to deal with something, we need to know how it works. So what happens when we experience severe stress?
  2. A ‘how to’ guide for getting an instant relief
  3. A first-hand story of TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises)

What happens when we experience severe stress?

(based on Peter A. Levine’s ‘Walking the Tiger’ and ‘In an Unspoken Voice’)

When stress is extreme, our brain qualifies it as life-threatening. A massive amount of energy is being released and a ‘fight or run’ mode turns on. However, when neither fighting nor running is possible, a natural reaction of freezing kicks in.

It’s nothing more than a survival mode, an old ‘play dead’ trick. It has developed to either fool the predator or to numb our last moments if we were attacked and killed. The huge amount of energy released before freezes inside us and we turn to stone, or feel like watching the situation from outside the body.

When the stressful situation is over, this enormous energy stays in the body, unreleased. Animals let it out through uncontrolled muscle trembling, children might add screaming and crying. But adults are afraid of uncontrolled reactions.

We try to suppress them with tablets or stimulants. And so the energy stays in our bodies for years causing somatic conditions. It can also come out when we least expect it in moments of sudden violence or PTSD.

According to Dr Levine, the issue is not precipitated only by the trauma caused by an extreme situation, but rather, the unreleased energy created by the trauma.

TRaUMA info

And, just to be clear, yes, I am positive that a divorce or a breakup can be a traumatic experience. It’s a life change that disrupts our lives. It’s an earthquake that brings down everything we’ve built.

We need to release this huge, pent-up energy. And we can do it with the help of the TRE method (Trauma Releasing Exercises).

TRAUMA

TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises): how to get an instant relief

One of reasons I recommend TRE is that you don’t need to recollect the traumatic experience. The memory is in our muscles. That distinguishes TRE from other therapies in which you need to go back to painful moments, re-live them, and express emotions (i.e. protest, shout or cry). Such re-living of experience is of great worth, but it is often combined with fear and resistance. It takes rather long to overcome the resistance and get ready for the re-living moment.

Meanwhile, when we shake, all toxic energy leaves ‘by itself’!

Another reason is that this method is available right away, for everyone, free of charge. You can do one session, you can do it everyday for some time, or for your entire life. It depends on you.

If it is your first experience with shaking, give yourself some ‘margin of error’. The first time hardly anything may happen. It is hard to let go of the control. So try at least a few times.

Now, to the point. The movie link below introduces TRE. The second one shows a step-by-step instruction:

Here’s a certain brave mum, who has a reason to be stressed all the time, demonstrating step-by-step instructions:

 

How did I shake. A first-hand story of TRE (Trauma Releasing Exercises)

My first try was about five years ago and it didn’t work at all… I laid on the floor waiting for the big shake to come and nothing! I read about such great results but I just laid there like a doormat.

Today I know that the warming up exercises are essential–they tire your muscles and make the shaking so much easier to start (initially, I followed a bit different method without the exercises).

Then, I went to a body therapy workshop. I shook a bit there, but just couldn’t let the control go. Back at home I tried again and then the real shake started…

I remember one very long and intensive session. When I was shaking, suddenly I recalled an incident from my childhood when I was judged unfairly. Why did this memory come out, I have no idea. But I felt all this tension shaking out of my body; everything that made me angry and hurt back then… all this was coming out through this bizarre trembling… Weird and yet so… right…

Most often though, I shiver with an empty mind. I drift away while my body trembles in weird movements and spasms.

And later, peace of mind comes… and this pampering sense of security wraps you up like a blanket…

Which I wish for you, too!

So what’s the one thing you can do today?

Release all that stress that has built up in you–just SHAKE IT OFF! It is weird, but works miracles 🙂 Go on, try!

you are lovely


Oh, and one more thing

Check how to make TODAY the best day ever since you broke up!

 

 

What do you do when your life is in ruins?

I remember well one of the worst days in my life.

I was crawling in the middle of the pitch black tunnel I found myself in after my divorce. I had seen some light at the end of the tunnel before, but not on that day. On that day it was all black.

I was dating a guy for a while but it turned out to be a disaster. I was convinced I was hopeless, faulty and should really give up all my hopes for a normal life, whatever that meant.

I remember myself laying on the kitchen floor, crying, thinking nothing good in life would ever happen to me. I wanted to die in that very moment.

But I didn’t. Misery is not fatal.

Instead, I wrote my life Manifesto.

Manifesto

For me the Manifesto was my proclamation. It was my truth

And episode of a total breakdown like the one above has never happened to me since. The Manifesto helped me tremendously to embrace my weaknesses. To accept life with all its hardship. And I guess to recognize I was just a human.

The words, written straight from my heart, released a huge amount of energy. And the energy created the world around me. For example, for many years I’d had this need to prove I was enough. Enough to be loved, respected, desirable, and so on. When writing the Manifesto, I comprehended I could endlessly chase a non-existing ideal, or to embrace all I was. And I decided ‘enough’ was there and then.

Writing the Manifesto calmed down the storm of fear and let me to move on with my life.

So if you going through a nightmare after your divorce, feeling insecure, somehow ‘not right’ and your self-esteem is down… you might at least consider creating your own Manifesto. It might be a significant step on your way to a better life.

If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere.jpg

But what is a Manifesto really?

Creating a Manifesto makes sense when our lives change. Old values are not valid anymore. New ones are being formed slowly, often unnoticed.

We know things are changing, but the changes are not named yet. Finding precise names for our core values brings them into existence. It makes us aware of them, and therefore–we come to respect them. By our own choice.

If we’re mindful during the process, there is bunch of energy released. The feeling of being in harmony with yourself brings great amounts of peace and reconciling.

So the Manifesto is an announcement, a proclamation, an appeal–regarding crucial things in your life. A solemn and ceremonial list of rules and values.

For whom do you write? The audience is tiny, yet the most important ever–yourself.

How to write your Manifesto:

These are YOUR rules, relating to YOUR life, chosen by YOU.

1. Which rules you write are up to you
Write as many or as few of them as you want–one, three, ten? What matters is what they mean to you.

2. It’s flexible
You can change and update the rules as you change, or your life does.
It’s not a life sentence. NOW is the only reference point.

3. Let it ripen
Let the Manifesto take as long as it needs to create itself; 3 months or 5 minutes is equally good.

4. Stay real
Write rules you’ve already started to follow (even if only in your mind) to avoid making an abstract ‘wish list’. It’s better to quit adding something than to get frustrated you’re not following your own rules.

5. Once again – You
Your manifesto is an announcement of the principles that are important for YOU; and you announce it to YOURSELF only. And then, it’s YOU who follows it.

When your values are clear to you, making decisions becomes easier.

My Manifesto

A beautiful day it was, when I wrote it. An important one. I wish you moments like this on your way to recovery as well!

My Manifesto:

  1. I am and that’s enough.
  2. My life is an adventure, a journey.
  3. I don’t need to make monumental things in life. I am happy living an ‘ordinary’ life. MY LIFE.
  4. What is important are the things inside me. I don’t need to prove anything.
  5. I can change my mind, be uncertain or not know.
  6. I can make mistakes and it’s okay.
  7. I create my rules in my life – according to what is good for me. I verify them on an ongoing basis.
  8. I don’t take life for granted. Nothing lasts forever. Life fluctuates.
  9. I trust in myself, in God and in common sense, which allows me to peacefully deal with most of the situations (‘it will be fine’ attitude).
  10. I know I can reach out for help whenever I need it. I can ask, receive and take things I need.

What are we without values, without rules we follow because we choose to follow them? What are we if we are not loyal to what we feel is right?

Empty shells, perhaps?

So what’s the one thing to do now?

Change your mindset for a happier one! Check here how to feel better!